Why is it that people who have struggles: physical and emotional, have to deal with so much more?
As if it’s not enough to be struggling with constant physical pain, like feeling your body belongs to a stranger because this is not who you thought you would be. Now, you have to deal with having to constantly explain yourself to everyone, including the ones who you thought knew what you were going through.
The redundancy and need to express a real pain leads to you questioning your sanity and if everything is actually happening to you or is it all inside your head. Add to that the constant judgement YOU place on YOURSELF and you’ve got a nice recipe for constant self-loathing.
Then let’s factor in all the emotional drama you have to deal with inside your head all day, everyday. Guilt, feeling completely useless, anger, resentment, sadness, despair, jealousy, and so much more just fill your thoughts constantly that by the time you come to, another day has passed and you wonder how you made anyone’s day better than yesterday.
The frustration, anger, disbelief, and betrayal you feel when you realize that the people who you thought were on your side actually resent you and what you’re going through, who sometimes question its reality, combined with your own judgements of yourself and questions about your own reality are so overwhelming.
So overwhelming, so exhausting, until it leaves you bone dry and you are a void. That’s it.
You are a void.
And then, you come to, all the feelings come rushing back and you continue to judge yourself yet again, and the cycle continues.
Am I sane? Is it all in my head? Am I going crazy? What kind of human would make this shit up? Am I delusional? I’m a waste of a person. Why am I still here?
Everyday, all day…. alone. Going through everything alone. Is it a wonder why I isolate? I don’t exist. I wish I did, but I don’t.
All the feelings, everyday… I’m a mixed green salad of all that is messed up and nice, of all that is good and f****d up about humanity, of hope and despair. Mostly despair and hopelessness.
I’m so exhausted. I am empty. I am void.