Notes to my Younger Self

Is it possible that if we heard the things we needed to hear in our most vulnerable moments in childhood, we wouldn’t have as many emotional struggles?

In therapy long ago, I was asked to close my eyes and imagine going back, meeting this young girl.

Me.

My younger self. Terrified, wounded, abandoned little me.

I was to tell “little me” that things were going to be alright, that things weren’t my fault. I was to give her a hug and then travel back to current day.

Did it help? I don’t know, maybe for a little bit. My feelings of guilt, shame, isolation and loneliness have remained ingrained in me.

Maybe there’s something there… maybe if we wrote regular letters to our younger selves, we could help them heal. Obviously it’s talking to own self, and we have to get over the idea that “I’m crazy to talk to myself”. Or, maybe that’s just me.

Perhaps the physical or digital process of creating a #notetomyyoungerself will help mend certain wounds, or not. I mean, I am the only one who knows exactly what “little me” wants to hear right? So who better to do it than me?

Will it help? Who knows…. I don’t lose anything by trying. If it works even in the most microscopic way, it would be worth it, right?

Does anyone do this? I can’t be the only one who thinks this… what do you say to “little you”?

Lovely

I don’t know if I’m the only one but music has always been something that I FEEL moving through me (at times, not all the time) when I listen to it.

We all have songs that seem to speak to our souls. For a while now, this one by Billie Eilish has been one of them. I’m sure everyone knows who she is, with all the awards she’s won and all.

I first heard her voice before the immense fame, and have been addicted to her voice ever since. Each and every song she sings somehow speaks to me even if it’s not in any way connected to my life.

This one though… is… Enjoy… let me know if it moves you the way it moves me. I wanna know #imnotAlone

Thought I found a way
Thought I found a way, yeah (found)
But you never go away (never go away)
So I guess I gotta stay now
Oh, I hope some day I’ll make it out of here
Even if it takes all night or a hundred years
Need a place to hide, but I can’t find one near
Wanna feel alive, outside I can fight my fear
Isn’t it lovely, all alone?
Heart made of glass, my mind of stone
Tear me to pieces, skin to bone
Hello, welcome home
Walkin’ out of town
Lookin’ for a better place (lookin’ for a better place)
Something’s on my mind
Always in my headspace
But I know some day I’ll make it out of here
Even if it takes all night or a hundred years
Need a place to hide, but I can’t find one near
Wanna feel alive, outside I can fight my fear
Isn’t it lovely, all alone?
Heart made of glass, my mind of stone
Tear me to pieces, skin and bone
Hello, welcome home
Woah, yeah
Yeah, ah
Woah, woah
Hello, welcome home

A feeling we know too well…

Healthofchildren.com defines:

Abandonment is about the loss of love and a loss of connectedness. To the abandoned adolescent, it involves feelings of betrayal, guilt, loneliness, and lack of self-esteem . Abandonment is a core fear in humans, and this fear is intensified in adolescents.

It doesn’t really matter if you’re 5, 25, or 45. That feeling of emptiness, fear, despair, yearning, love, anger, sadness, hopelessness is the same.

Abandonment. It’s a feeling we know all too well.

Read more: http://www.healthofchildren.com/A/Abandonment.html#ixzz6FGjxW9gF

A mixed green salad of what?

Why is it that people who have struggles: physical and emotional, have to deal with so much more?

As if it’s not enough to be struggling with constant physical pain, like feeling your body belongs to a stranger because this is not who you thought you would be. Now, you have to deal with having to constantly explain yourself to everyone, including the ones who you thought knew what you were going through.

The redundancy and need to express a real pain leads to you questioning your sanity and if everything is actually happening to you or is it all inside your head. Add to that the constant judgement YOU place on YOURSELF and you’ve got a nice recipe for constant self-loathing.

Then let’s factor in all the emotional drama you have to deal with inside your head all day, everyday. Guilt, feeling completely useless, anger, resentment, sadness, despair, jealousy, and so much more just fill your thoughts constantly that by the time you come to, another day has passed and you wonder how you made anyone’s day better than yesterday.

The frustration, anger, disbelief, and betrayal you feel when you realize that the people who you thought were on your side actually resent you and what you’re going through, who sometimes question its reality, combined with your own judgements of yourself and questions about your own reality are so overwhelming.

So overwhelming, so exhausting, until it leaves you bone dry and you are a void. That’s it.

You are a void.

And then, you come to, all the feelings come rushing back and you continue to judge yourself yet again, and the cycle continues.

Am I sane? Is it all in my head? Am I going crazy? What kind of human would make this shit up? Am I delusional? I’m a waste of a person. Why am I still here?

Everyday, all day…. alone. Going through everything alone. Is it a wonder why I isolate? I don’t exist. I wish I did, but I don’t.

All the feelings, everyday… I’m a mixed green salad of all that is messed up and nice, of all that is good and f****d up about humanity, of hope and despair. Mostly despair and hopelessness.

I’m so exhausted. I am empty. I am void.